Fallacious Logic

Capacity building isn’t pointless, and it never will be, but it sure seems like a NGO paradigm that is yet to be applicable to parts of South Sudan. It’s much more depressing here than I was anticipating. Or at least I’m feeling more depressed than I anticipated. My hopes for an uplifting experience, which would let me feel connected to the work that I am pursuing through graduate studies, are being muddied. The idea of doing this type of work for the next 20 to 30 years is disturbing. I don’t want to sound as cynical as a I do, and nothing particularly bad has happened to me that is making me say this, I’m just realizing that to rebuild society in a post conflict situation like this one is unbelievably difficult.

Facebook updates from friends touting their fantastic summer internship experiences – through which they are seeing the fruits of their labors and efforts – from Nigeria to Cambodia to Brazil have left me as smug as I felt during my first encounters with the Economic and Political Development program at SIPA during orientation, when all others were beamy and delighted. Perhaps I’m not cut from the same block of marble as these sustainable development folk, nor the same block of steel as the rugged humanitarian aid people. I wish that I had left NY in better spirits so that I was more eager to return there in the fall, and felt more inspired by my career choice. I’m too young to feel this depressive about my future, right? So where does this leave me? I can’t articulate a ‘skill set’ pertinent to the for-profit sector, working for the government (should my countrymen fail me in November) is something I don’t see myself interested in, and the prospect of a desk job at a foundation is panic inducing. Maybe I’ll be able to perpetuate this protection-arts-refugees-community building thing for a bit longer, but it’s all a bit unclear and confounding in the face of such distress.

I’ve begun denouncing logic. Boss-man told me from day one that it’s not exactly applicable nor employed by the community here. David Byrne is echoing through my mind.

Whatever the case, my oft astounding naivety is humbling and there have been some fortuitously uplifting encounters. One of our partners called my idea to lead discussion groups with both adolescent and adult women concerning what is important to them, using a female translator, brilliant. I’ve received good feedback for my plans to develop a visual arts project as part of the shared education and health program social marketing campaign. Last week’s meetings with UNHCR’s education department, UNICEF, and the Ministry of Education were close to encouraging. And some of the Nyas agreed that I should have my hair braided in the local fashion; what do you think?